Time...

In a conversation the other day, it dawned on me that in approximately 3 months and 15 days, I will be recognizing the FIVE year anniversary of my daddy’s death. That is unbelievable. I cannot believe it has been that long ago. It seems like just yesterday… but like forever at the same time. *sigh* Time sure is a funny thing!

          But, at the same time, I got to thinking about how much has changed in the last five years and it is incredible. I never realized just how much can happen in five years. It really isn’t that long!

          Since my dad has been gone, I have made some friends that are as close as mothers and sisters and brothers and fathers to me, and yet, during that same amount of time, I’ve watched the disintegration of some very dear friendships. I’ve become active in a church that has about 50 regular members, most of whom I know and treasure. I was coming from a church at the time that was very large and steadily growing into a few thousand member church. I had been attending there for almost 8 years. Leaving there, I thought, was one of the hardest moves I’d ever made… and now, it is just a memory!

          Drew started kindergarten J and I finished college (well, my bachelor’s degree, anyway) and started on a Master’s degree… three different times! This time I’m in for the long haul though! Drew’s moved on into the THIRD grade, and I can hardly believe how much he’s grown. I’ve changed jobs THREE times in five years – from owning and managing a daycare center, to teaching middle school, to being a receptionist at an audiologist’s office! And there is so much that happened in the midst of those changes that I couldn’t even begin to type it all out – some absolutely heart-wrenching and others complete blessings from God!

          Drew and I endured a custody battle (a rather nasty one at that) and another family court hearing over a different matter altogether. Drew got a severe kidney infection, and in the process of that we learned that he only has one fully functioning kidney. It is hard to believe that was almost three years ago!

          All of these things have caused changes in our lives, some more noticeable than others but when I’m not paying attention, things seems so much the same.  But, when I slow down and really look… wow. My baby is almost as tall as me and can read and write… and do math better than I can. J What is the saying… ? “The only thing that never changes is that everything changes.”

          But I am happy to be able to say that, looking over the past five years, it’s been good. It hasn’t been easy. No, most of it, at the time, I thought would kill me. That surely I would never make it through to the end. But I did, and you know what. You will too. Because that is the promise of our Lord. That is the hope that we have in Him! And, as I look back over these five years I can see His precious hand moving and working in my life and in Drew’s life.

All of that to say, January 2, 2009, I thought at the time, was the day my life would never be the same., the day that I would never get over, never get past, and that would hang over me like a rain cloud forevermore. And, the truth is, it still isn’t easy. I miss my daddy more now than I ever have. But I was right about one thing. My life will never be as it was before then, but the truth is, it is okay. If it were easy, it probably wouldn’t matter. Isn’t that usually how those things work? January 2, 2009 wasn’t the end of my life. It just changed my life forever.

A Brighter Day :)

Day 5:

So, I think that it is probably too early to say for sure but I am going to take this as a good sign. The last four days on the Whole30 have been HARD. I woke up this morning craving poptarts and pizza. But, thankfully ;) I woke up a bit late and grabbed the already made breakfast from the fridge. That one decision seems to have changed EVERYTHING. I didn’t notice it until after lunch, but there was no afternoon sluggish feeling. I haven’t had a headache and much of the soreness and aches I’ve been struggling with the last four days are gone. I have energy. I feel alert and not in a fog. I will admit that I am nervous that it is too early and I’m going to go back down again before I truly work my way up. But, this day, I am encouraged and grateful for the relief. Feeling down, physically struggling, and not eating what you want becomes quite the struggle after a few days and really had me ready to quit. Today has surely been an answer to prayers! 

Hope to MY Heart...

“Do you want to get well?”

Most people who know me do not know about one of my biggest struggles. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It has been a great struggle, not just physically, but emotionally and even spiritually. And, of course, struggling with something that you do not understand increases the amount of the struggle.

This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks yet. The physical pain has been almost unbearable and, unfortunately, I am stubborn and hardheaded. Not being open and honest about the struggle has, I am certain, made things worse, and harder, than it had to be. I got very good at hiding pain. When it got really bad and I couldn’t hide it any longer, then people were shocked. So, here I am being open and honest.

And, originally, when I wrote this post, I had developed various reasons why I decided that eliminating processed foods from my diet for a period of thirty days was a good idea for me. However, when I got to church this morning, the title of the message was, “Do you want to get well?” Now, Pastor Ned was talking in his message about spiritual health and healing the majority of the time.  But, as I am sitting there listening to him it dawned on me. How much should this apply to my physical and emotional health as well? After all, we are a temple of the Holy Spirit, right?

Some people will be probably quick to tell me I am becoming a fanatic. I know some people who are, but that is not what I am talking about here. Look, if I smoked cigarettes every day or drank an excessive amount of alcohol every day or whatever other drug you fill in the blank, and I knew that it was killing me (literally), then, as a Christian, wouldn’t it be responsible and Godly for me to eliminate that chemical from my body? My personal opinion is that, yes. It would be. Well, I believe God was telling me this morning that this is why I need to follow this path of getting myself healthy again. I’ve done the research and read a ton of stuff, and everything I’ve come across comes back to the chemicals I have put into my body. And, if I’m honest, I’m addicted. Food has more power in my life than it should and it is time for me, with God’s help no doubt, to make some changes. Do I know for sure that I will be completely “cured” throughout this process? No. I hope so, and I am certain that it will make a difference, but even if it doesn’t, I have no doubt that this is a vital step towards health in my life. The rest I must leave up to God and his wisdom.

I began 30 days of only whole foods today, September 1 when I got out of bed. I’m starting with 30 days as the goal so that hopefully it will remain an achievable goal, and I won’t become overwhelmed. One other hope is that this process will begin to undo any addictions to certain things I have developed. I have already made it six weeks with no artificial sweeteners (Yes, to those who know me well. That is six weeks with no diet soda. At all.). Hopefully the next month will continue to clean up my life and my body.

I am excited about this journey but a bit anxious as well. And, I am not oblivious to the fact that within a few days, the excitement is likely to wane greatly. I am hoping that by posting this and by informing those closest to me, I will have high levels of accountability and on the other side, things will be brighter, and less painful.

Thank you for taking the time to read!

Heather

I am... Mom.

The other day, I was browsing through Pinterest and found this picture…

And it was one of those days where being a mom wasn't very fun at all. There was attitude coming straight from Drew and I was just fed up and tired. But he is such a good kid. I really can’t complain at all. And, I so often worry that I am absolutely screwing things up every day. 

I realized while looking at some of the “mom” stuff I was finding just how easy the “comparison bug” can snowball, especially with us moms.  I thought it was bad before I became a mom… but wow. How quickly things changed. There are so many amazing moms in my life – from my own mom and grandmother, to the friends that I watch raising their children, sometimes from a distance, to the moms that have already raised their children – and I have to constantly watch to be sure I don’t fall into the “I’ll never be good enough” pit. It really has a way of sneaking up sometimes. 

I mess up so much sometimes.  And this…

Scares me often. Because I am not what I want Drew to be. I want him to be so much more.  But, then I was reminded of this…

And it is what I need to focus on daily. Moment by moment. And I can be confident that my Lord will give me the strength and the knowledge and wisdom needed to help raise this wonderful little boy that He has blessed me with!

Thanks for reading.

Life As A Balancing Act?

When I began writing this blog, it was with the intention of it being this unbiased, generic life-coaching blog. Well, I’ve given up on that and decided to just write. So, it will probably be biased and opinionated. I’ll surely get it wrong and will most likely offend some people. But, here goes anyway…

I was asked a while back to write about how balancing life as a mom, and a wife, and a Christian, and a friend, and all these different roles that we, especially as women, play in our daily lives. This question came from a dear friend that has children much older than my own, a marriage that has lasted longer than any relationship I’ve ever been in, a stronger walk with God than I could begin to imagine. A woman I truly respect and look up to. A woman I admire very much. And yet, here I sat at the table in Panera with her and her children and some friends and she poses this question to me, that really, who among us hasn’t struggled with? It was immensely humbling as I sat and began to realize that I had absolutely no idea how to answer her question, much less what to write an entire blog post about! The best I could come up with was an illustration I heard years back about filling a jar with golf balls, pebbles, sand and coffee. It won’t all fit if you don’t fill the jar in the correct order, and our lives are very much the same way when it comes to priorities.

But after thinking over this for… a few months now, I began looking into what God’s Word has to say about the issue. And, the best I could come up with is this. If we put Him first in our lives, He will fit the rest into place. Matthew 6:33 – “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.”   But what are “these things” you ask? Matthew 6:25 – “Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?” And Jesus goes on in the following verses to describe how the birds of the air and the lilies of the field are cared for (verses 26-30).

Now, do I believe that removes our responsibilities? No. Not by any means. We are responsible to our families and we are responsible for our health and so on. However, if we allow any of those things to come before our devotion to Him, we are filling our jar in the wrong order.

Here is a link to the jar illustration if you’ve never seen it. I can’t take credit for that, but it is a great example that has really stuck with me through the years. http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/263.html

Follow Him and let Him guide your steps. He will not only guide you but will strengthen you for the journey.

Saying “No”… It Really is Okay!

     I have always been one that struggled with telling people “No” – whether or not it was that I could not do something for them, or help them, or even if I just did not want to go wherever – I struggled mightily with it.  Even when there was a legitimate reason (i.e. more than just a desire to not do whatever).

            Part of the reason that this is so difficult is because I bought into the lie – saying “No” makes me less of or a bad Christian, friend, mom, daughter, church member… whatever you put in the blank.  And, oftentimes, it seemed those were the words I would hear from those I said “No” to, which just confirmed what I was already thinking.

“A good friend would loan me the money that I need…”

Or

“How can you call yourself a Christian when you won’t commit to leading this group?”

Or any other infinite number of examples.  A lady was telling me just the other day that she had to start telling her extended family that she would be unable to drive them places after 10:00pm because she was falling asleep at the wheel on the way home or on the way to work early the next morning!

My point is that somewhere along the way, taking care of yourself and your family, being healthy, became selfish, especially in some “Christian” circles.  And then we guilt ourselves (or allow others to do so) into running ourselves ragged doing things that we shouldn’t! Not to mention the anger and resentment that can build when we begin giving out of our guilt.        

So, we should be kind and giving and care for one another.  We should love others and help whenever we can.  But, I also think that we should be doing these things out of an attitude of compassion and care, not guilt and resentment. Get enough rest. Spend time with your kids. Have a bit of fun. And, in the midst of that, give, care, and help.