My Choice Today...

It is amazing to me how quickly we, especially us women, can get turned upside down. The couple of times I have written it has been concerning change and how it is necessary, and happens sometimes without even noticing it. And then yesterday, I caught myself moping (well, pouting actually) over how some things have changed.

It amazes me as well how quickly my focus can be altered. It is Christmas time, believe it or not. The big day is right around the corner. I love Christmas. This time of year isn’t always easy for me nowadays, but I love it. I love the atmosphere, the smells, the family time, and the intentional focus on the real reason we celebrate Christmas – the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And yet, in my pouting yesterday, I was greatly convicted about my bad attitude and selfish thinking, despite just a few hours earlier pondering how thankful I am for the many blessings in my life.

How quickly I allow things to change! All the more reason, I believe, for me to be fully devoted to ingraining God’s Word in my heart and mind all the more. What is in my heart, really in my heart, is what will come out. And what I “feed” is what will survive. So, on this new day, my choice is this – what will I focus on today? My selfish ambitions and desires or God’s plan and His Word? Whatever I feed today is what will prevail in my life and ultimately what will be imparted to those around me today… to my friends and family, to my darling son, and to the many strangers that I come face to face with today. Will I touch them with the love of God or will they just see another girl swallowed up in the grind of daily life?

That is my choice to make today…

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”
                                                                            Isaiah 26:3

Changes...

Little did I realize when I wrote my last post that there would be yet another change in less than five years, as I now face, head on, a move back to Manning.  It is exciting and causing a bit of anxiety at the same time… There are good things, and things that I’m not too crazy about. But, what big decision isn’t riddled with the pros and cons?  Well, for some reason, this little thing that I wrote a few months after my dad passed away has been constantly on my mind…

I am not exactly sure what brought this writing back to my memory the last week or so but it has been heavy on my heart. Perhaps it is the upcoming holidays, which never fail to bring strong and vivid memories of my daddy and his passing and all the things that surrounded that time in my life. Perhaps it is the move. I am not sure. But, I do know that at the time I wrote this, I was devastated at the loss of a certain relationship. And now, almost five years later, I look around at the relationships that God has blessed me with, in the place of that one, and I am again astounded (Perhaps it is a little fear that I will lose a couple of those relationships that mean so much to me now that has brought this back to me so strongly…).

Looking back at this situation has been an amazing reminder during this time of upheaval and changes all around that no matter what a situation looks like, I have to remember that God knows the beginning and the end and I am held in the palm of His strong hand. I know that He has a plan, regardless of what I think about it or whether or not it is following the plan I had laid out myself… His plan is and always will be the best for me. And, it will probably be beyond what I could have even dreamed up for myself!

Anyway, this is the writing… have a happy Thanksgiving! And, thanks for reading. And, if you are struggling with grief this holiday season, know that there is always hope…

The Casualty of Grief...

Pain undeniable

Path uncharted

Hope dismayed and

Heart troubled

Walls built

Worship hard

Comfort unreachable

Concern unwanted

Unfamiliar emotions

Producing 

Twisted words

Leaving

Friendships lost

Relationships hindered and

Bonds broken

Reality unbearable

Rescue uncertain

The Father faithful

The Truth solid

The Word true

Life returns

Emotions stabilize

Bonds restored and

Forgiveness accepted

Hope renewed

Heart healed

Walls deteriorating

Worship returned

Comfort felt

Concern conveyed

Help offered

Heart shared

Yet

Friendships lost and

Relationships still hindered.

Time...

In a conversation the other day, it dawned on me that in approximately 3 months and 15 days, I will be recognizing the FIVE year anniversary of my daddy’s death. That is unbelievable. I cannot believe it has been that long ago. It seems like just yesterday… but like forever at the same time. *sigh* Time sure is a funny thing!

          But, at the same time, I got to thinking about how much has changed in the last five years and it is incredible. I never realized just how much can happen in five years. It really isn’t that long!

          Since my dad has been gone, I have made some friends that are as close as mothers and sisters and brothers and fathers to me, and yet, during that same amount of time, I’ve watched the disintegration of some very dear friendships. I’ve become active in a church that has about 50 regular members, most of whom I know and treasure. I was coming from a church at the time that was very large and steadily growing into a few thousand member church. I had been attending there for almost 8 years. Leaving there, I thought, was one of the hardest moves I’d ever made… and now, it is just a memory!

          Drew started kindergarten J and I finished college (well, my bachelor’s degree, anyway) and started on a Master’s degree… three different times! This time I’m in for the long haul though! Drew’s moved on into the THIRD grade, and I can hardly believe how much he’s grown. I’ve changed jobs THREE times in five years – from owning and managing a daycare center, to teaching middle school, to being a receptionist at an audiologist’s office! And there is so much that happened in the midst of those changes that I couldn’t even begin to type it all out – some absolutely heart-wrenching and others complete blessings from God!

          Drew and I endured a custody battle (a rather nasty one at that) and another family court hearing over a different matter altogether. Drew got a severe kidney infection, and in the process of that we learned that he only has one fully functioning kidney. It is hard to believe that was almost three years ago!

          All of these things have caused changes in our lives, some more noticeable than others but when I’m not paying attention, things seems so much the same.  But, when I slow down and really look… wow. My baby is almost as tall as me and can read and write… and do math better than I can. J What is the saying… ? “The only thing that never changes is that everything changes.”

          But I am happy to be able to say that, looking over the past five years, it’s been good. It hasn’t been easy. No, most of it, at the time, I thought would kill me. That surely I would never make it through to the end. But I did, and you know what. You will too. Because that is the promise of our Lord. That is the hope that we have in Him! And, as I look back over these five years I can see His precious hand moving and working in my life and in Drew’s life.

All of that to say, January 2, 2009, I thought at the time, was the day my life would never be the same., the day that I would never get over, never get past, and that would hang over me like a rain cloud forevermore. And, the truth is, it still isn’t easy. I miss my daddy more now than I ever have. But I was right about one thing. My life will never be as it was before then, but the truth is, it is okay. If it were easy, it probably wouldn’t matter. Isn’t that usually how those things work? January 2, 2009 wasn’t the end of my life. It just changed my life forever.

A Brighter Day :)

Day 5:

So, I think that it is probably too early to say for sure but I am going to take this as a good sign. The last four days on the Whole30 have been HARD. I woke up this morning craving poptarts and pizza. But, thankfully ;) I woke up a bit late and grabbed the already made breakfast from the fridge. That one decision seems to have changed EVERYTHING. I didn’t notice it until after lunch, but there was no afternoon sluggish feeling. I haven’t had a headache and much of the soreness and aches I’ve been struggling with the last four days are gone. I have energy. I feel alert and not in a fog. I will admit that I am nervous that it is too early and I’m going to go back down again before I truly work my way up. But, this day, I am encouraged and grateful for the relief. Feeling down, physically struggling, and not eating what you want becomes quite the struggle after a few days and really had me ready to quit. Today has surely been an answer to prayers! 

Hope to MY Heart...

“Do you want to get well?”

Most people who know me do not know about one of my biggest struggles. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It has been a great struggle, not just physically, but emotionally and even spiritually. And, of course, struggling with something that you do not understand increases the amount of the struggle.

This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks yet. The physical pain has been almost unbearable and, unfortunately, I am stubborn and hardheaded. Not being open and honest about the struggle has, I am certain, made things worse, and harder, than it had to be. I got very good at hiding pain. When it got really bad and I couldn’t hide it any longer, then people were shocked. So, here I am being open and honest.

And, originally, when I wrote this post, I had developed various reasons why I decided that eliminating processed foods from my diet for a period of thirty days was a good idea for me. However, when I got to church this morning, the title of the message was, “Do you want to get well?” Now, Pastor Ned was talking in his message about spiritual health and healing the majority of the time.  But, as I am sitting there listening to him it dawned on me. How much should this apply to my physical and emotional health as well? After all, we are a temple of the Holy Spirit, right?

Some people will be probably quick to tell me I am becoming a fanatic. I know some people who are, but that is not what I am talking about here. Look, if I smoked cigarettes every day or drank an excessive amount of alcohol every day or whatever other drug you fill in the blank, and I knew that it was killing me (literally), then, as a Christian, wouldn’t it be responsible and Godly for me to eliminate that chemical from my body? My personal opinion is that, yes. It would be. Well, I believe God was telling me this morning that this is why I need to follow this path of getting myself healthy again. I’ve done the research and read a ton of stuff, and everything I’ve come across comes back to the chemicals I have put into my body. And, if I’m honest, I’m addicted. Food has more power in my life than it should and it is time for me, with God’s help no doubt, to make some changes. Do I know for sure that I will be completely “cured” throughout this process? No. I hope so, and I am certain that it will make a difference, but even if it doesn’t, I have no doubt that this is a vital step towards health in my life. The rest I must leave up to God and his wisdom.

I began 30 days of only whole foods today, September 1 when I got out of bed. I’m starting with 30 days as the goal so that hopefully it will remain an achievable goal, and I won’t become overwhelmed. One other hope is that this process will begin to undo any addictions to certain things I have developed. I have already made it six weeks with no artificial sweeteners (Yes, to those who know me well. That is six weeks with no diet soda. At all.). Hopefully the next month will continue to clean up my life and my body.

I am excited about this journey but a bit anxious as well. And, I am not oblivious to the fact that within a few days, the excitement is likely to wane greatly. I am hoping that by posting this and by informing those closest to me, I will have high levels of accountability and on the other side, things will be brighter, and less painful.

Thank you for taking the time to read!

Heather

I am... Mom.

The other day, I was browsing through Pinterest and found this picture…

And it was one of those days where being a mom wasn't very fun at all. There was attitude coming straight from Drew and I was just fed up and tired. But he is such a good kid. I really can’t complain at all. And, I so often worry that I am absolutely screwing things up every day. 

I realized while looking at some of the “mom” stuff I was finding just how easy the “comparison bug” can snowball, especially with us moms.  I thought it was bad before I became a mom… but wow. How quickly things changed. There are so many amazing moms in my life – from my own mom and grandmother, to the friends that I watch raising their children, sometimes from a distance, to the moms that have already raised their children – and I have to constantly watch to be sure I don’t fall into the “I’ll never be good enough” pit. It really has a way of sneaking up sometimes. 

I mess up so much sometimes.  And this…

Scares me often. Because I am not what I want Drew to be. I want him to be so much more.  But, then I was reminded of this…

And it is what I need to focus on daily. Moment by moment. And I can be confident that my Lord will give me the strength and the knowledge and wisdom needed to help raise this wonderful little boy that He has blessed me with!

Thanks for reading.

Life As A Balancing Act?

When I began writing this blog, it was with the intention of it being this unbiased, generic life-coaching blog. Well, I’ve given up on that and decided to just write. So, it will probably be biased and opinionated. I’ll surely get it wrong and will most likely offend some people. But, here goes anyway…

I was asked a while back to write about how balancing life as a mom, and a wife, and a Christian, and a friend, and all these different roles that we, especially as women, play in our daily lives. This question came from a dear friend that has children much older than my own, a marriage that has lasted longer than any relationship I’ve ever been in, a stronger walk with God than I could begin to imagine. A woman I truly respect and look up to. A woman I admire very much. And yet, here I sat at the table in Panera with her and her children and some friends and she poses this question to me, that really, who among us hasn’t struggled with? It was immensely humbling as I sat and began to realize that I had absolutely no idea how to answer her question, much less what to write an entire blog post about! The best I could come up with was an illustration I heard years back about filling a jar with golf balls, pebbles, sand and coffee. It won’t all fit if you don’t fill the jar in the correct order, and our lives are very much the same way when it comes to priorities.

But after thinking over this for… a few months now, I began looking into what God’s Word has to say about the issue. And, the best I could come up with is this. If we put Him first in our lives, He will fit the rest into place. Matthew 6:33 – “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.”   But what are “these things” you ask? Matthew 6:25 – “Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?” And Jesus goes on in the following verses to describe how the birds of the air and the lilies of the field are cared for (verses 26-30).

Now, do I believe that removes our responsibilities? No. Not by any means. We are responsible to our families and we are responsible for our health and so on. However, if we allow any of those things to come before our devotion to Him, we are filling our jar in the wrong order.

Here is a link to the jar illustration if you’ve never seen it. I can’t take credit for that, but it is a great example that has really stuck with me through the years. http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/263.html

Follow Him and let Him guide your steps. He will not only guide you but will strengthen you for the journey.

Saying “No”… It Really is Okay!

     I have always been one that struggled with telling people “No” – whether or not it was that I could not do something for them, or help them, or even if I just did not want to go wherever – I struggled mightily with it.  Even when there was a legitimate reason (i.e. more than just a desire to not do whatever).

            Part of the reason that this is so difficult is because I bought into the lie – saying “No” makes me less of or a bad Christian, friend, mom, daughter, church member… whatever you put in the blank.  And, oftentimes, it seemed those were the words I would hear from those I said “No” to, which just confirmed what I was already thinking.

“A good friend would loan me the money that I need…”

Or

“How can you call yourself a Christian when you won’t commit to leading this group?”

Or any other infinite number of examples.  A lady was telling me just the other day that she had to start telling her extended family that she would be unable to drive them places after 10:00pm because she was falling asleep at the wheel on the way home or on the way to work early the next morning!

My point is that somewhere along the way, taking care of yourself and your family, being healthy, became selfish, especially in some “Christian” circles.  And then we guilt ourselves (or allow others to do so) into running ourselves ragged doing things that we shouldn’t! Not to mention the anger and resentment that can build when we begin giving out of our guilt.        

So, we should be kind and giving and care for one another.  We should love others and help whenever we can.  But, I also think that we should be doing these things out of an attitude of compassion and care, not guilt and resentment. Get enough rest. Spend time with your kids. Have a bit of fun. And, in the midst of that, give, care, and help.